


Meet the Malfoys

by potterthepoltergeist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Family, Family Drama, Gen, Humor, M/M, Quidditch Muscles™, The Glitter Cult™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28597791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterthepoltergeist/pseuds/potterthepoltergeist
Summary: If keeping the bloodlines clean is so important, and Lucius and Narcissa have the money, why don't they have twenty children?Follow Draco and his family through 1994, navigating the Triwizard Tournament, Voldemort's inevitable return, and his very obvious gayness!**This was written with references to a podcast called Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them! Go listen to an episode, they're hilarious and wonderful :)**
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy & Lucius Malfoy & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Draco Malfoy & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Family Roster

****IMPORTANT** **:** **_yes_ , all of the names/meanings of the children are names/meanings of actual, real-life, _I-genuinely-didn't-make-them-up_ stars/constellations/space shit - except for the last four kids, you'll see****

**father:** Lucius Malfoy (means "brightness"), age 57

**mother:** Narcissa Black Malfoy (means "daffodil"), age 53

**son:** Beowulf (nickname: Beo; means "war wolf"), age 30

**daughter:** Dnoces (nickname: Dee-Dee; pronounced "den-NOS-ees;" means "second, but what if we spelled it _backwards_ "), age 28

**daughter:** Miaplacidus (nickname: Mia; pronounced "me-uh-pla-SID-us;" means "calm"), age 25

**son:** Regor (nickname: Reg - which makes it really confusing every time they visit Regulus and the Blacks; means "roger, but what if we spelled it _backwards_ "), age 23

**son:** Przybylski (nickname: Priz; pronounced "pri-BULL-ski;" means "new arrival, foundling"), age 21, twin to Betelgeuse

**daughter:** Betelgeuse (nickname: Goosie; pronounced "beetle juice;" means "the armpit of Orion"), age 21, twin to Przybylski

**son:** Gliese (I think it's pronounced like "grease" but with an L; honestly, I have no clue what this one means, someone look it up for me please), age 19

**son:** Thuban (means "large snake"), age 17

**daughter:** Vindemiatrix (nickname: Trixie; pronounced "vin-deh-ME-uh-tricks;" means "the grape gatherer"), age 15

**son:** Draco (means "dragon"), age 14

**daughter:** Ursa Major (nickname: Madge; means "big bear"), age 12, twin to Ursa Minor

**daughter:** Ursa Minor (nickname: Minnie; means "little bear"), age 12, twin to Ursa Major

**son:** Rigil-Kentaurus (nickname: RK, Kent - Goosie and Priz call him Kenny Boi; means "foot of the centaur"), age 9

**daughter:** SAO 138721 (nickname: Seven; I believe it is the serial number belonging to Zariah, but I'm not quite sure), age 7

**son:** Derf (still actual star names, I swear - means "bold, daring, strong"), age 4, twin to Bob

**son:** Bob (I know it's hard to believe, but _seriously,_ we're still doing star names - means "bright fame"), age 4, twin to Derf

_**okay, these next four kids aren't named after real stars... I **think** **_

**daughter:** Sparkle, age 2, triplet to Shimmer and Shine

**daughter:** Shimmer, age 2, triplet to Sparkle and Shine

**daughter:** Shine, age 2, triplet to Sparkle and Shimmer

_**the triplets' names all mean that Draco was allowed to pick their names**_

**son:** Dave (nickname: Davie; means that the Malfoys ran out of ideas again), three months old


	2. Roll Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Malfoys have a family meeting two days before the 1994-1995 school year.

Narcissa walked briskly to the edge of the staircase, Baby Dave tucked in her arms. Her voice carried up and along the halls. "WHERE ARE THE TWINS?!"

Six voices screamed back, "WHICH ONES?!"

She rolled her eyes and set Davie on the bottom step. He squirmed and fussed with his silk swaddling. "THE ONES WHO AREN'T DOWNSTAIRS! FAMILY MEETING!"

"That's new," Kent muttered, passing by his mother on the way to the sitting room.

Narcissa pursed her lips. "Yes, well, there are matters to discuss."

~~~

The sitting room was ginormous, even by pureblood standards. Four long couches that each accommodated five or six people faced inward in a square. Everyone settled into their usual spots. Even Beowulf, Dee-Dee, and Mia were visiting, although they wouldn't be sticking around much longer; it was already the end of the summer hols.

Kent had been squashed between Derf and Bob, who were making ugly faces at him. He looked like he was trying hard not to scream. Seven eavesdropped on Mia and Minnie's conversation, arching a brow or rolling her eyes every few sentences. Draco was playing patty cake with all three two-year-old triplets at the same time. They all had glitter caked on their hands, which sifted onto the upholstery and made Narcissa wince.

"Attention!" Lucius called from his high-backed armchair. His wand was held to his throat mid-Sonorus charm so that everyone could hear him over their own chattering. "This family meeting has been called to order!" He picked up a rubber gavel and hit it against the arm of his seat. It made a childish squeaking noise. He scowled. "You had one job, Draco."

"Sorry, Father." Draco dusted his hands and sent more glitter in clouds around himself.

Lucius sighed. "Attendance. Beowulf? You're visiting, right? I'm sorry, I can't keep track."

"Here."

Beowulf was the oldest. He was thirty years old and the fiancé of a lovely maiden of the Nott clan. They'd been engaged for eight years and still had yet to tie the knot. His siblings teased him about it all the time, and privately, Beo thought it rather humorous. He would never admit so out loud, of course - he would be too busy polishing his extensive monocle collection.

"Dnoces? You're here, too?"

"Yes, Father."

Dnoces was the second eldest and the first daughter. Only Lucius and Narcissa called her by her full name; her other siblings had affectionately dubbed her "Dee-Dee." Despite having left the Manor quite a while ago (she was twenty-eight years old), she came back often to babysit the children.

"Next is..." Lucius narrowed his eyes as if thinking something over in his mind."

"It's me, Father. Mia."

"Ah, yes, Mia."

Three years later, Narcissa gave birth to a third child: Miaplacidus, or Mia for short. Mia had a rebellious streak that not even Lucius was able to snuff out. Her platinum hair was chopped and streaked with green. And her hobbies included pranking Beo and wrestling with Minnie, one of her many younger sisters.

"And... Regor."

"Here, Father."

Regor, the second son (and the oldest child still living at home), was twenty-three and had no inclination to make his mark on the outside world, much to his parents' chagrin. Instead of getting out, settling down, maybe even joining the Ministry as his father hoped, Reg stayed up all night listening to the radio and forming obscure conspiracy theories about anything that breathed.

"And the twins?"

Everyone around Lucius rolled their eyes. "Which ones?"

"The oldest, obviously."

"Present," they said in unison.

After Reg came the first set of twins: Przybylski (Priz) and Betelguese (Goosie). They were age twenty-one and also lived at the Manor. Priz was always screaming "fun fact!" in his family members' ears at the most inappropriate times possible. He was like a strange hybrid of Percy Weasley and Luna Lovegood. Goosie, true to her full name (which was pronounced "beetle juice" and meant "the armpit of Orion"), had taken a strange yet genuine interest in bugs.

"And now-"

"I'm here." Gliese was perched on the edge of a couch, holding a teacup daintily with his little finger poised in the air.

Gliese was nineteen and a tea connoisseur. He wore teeny-tiny glasses on the tip of his nose because he thought they looked "distinguished." His siblings knew not to mention "that abomination known as  _ coffee _ " around him, or he would turn nearly as aggressive as Mia.

"Thuban? I saw you earlier, correct?"

"Yes, Father."

A seventh year, Thuban was on the cusp of turning eighteen and being wedded off to Pansy Parkinson's elder sister, Patricia. He had been elected the honorary leader of Slytherin - he had the brains, brawn, and beauty to prove it, too. At this point, he could have chosen "mafia boss" as a career path after Hogwarts, and no one would have questioned it.

"And Trixie?"

"Over here, Father." A girl with frizzy blond hair waved enthusiastically from across the room.

Vindemiatrix was fifteen years old and the first daughter since Goosie. When asked who she wanted to be when she grew up, all Trixie said was "Auntie Bella."

"Draco... is here."

The middle child, Draco, was fourteen and the proud president of The Glitter Cult™, which three of his younger sisters were part of. His favorite pastime was dragging out his industrial-sized stash of glitter and sequins (which came in every color on the face of the planet), dumping it on his floor, and making glitter-angels.

"And the next twins?"

"Here."

Two years after Draco, the second set of twins were born: Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, otherwise known as Madge and Minnie. Madge was close to Draco (but had yet to join The Glitter Cult™). Her life was one long valley girl accent. Minnie was close to Mia, and they were adorable and terrifying together. Minnie was the opposite of her twin; she could hex you  _ and  _ karate kick you - maybe even both at the same time.

"Kent?"

Narcissa scanned the room. "I just saw him not ten minutes ago."

A tired-looking boy put his hand in the air.

After the Ursa twins came Rigil-Kentaurus, who was nine years old and had several nicknames. Some called him RK, some called him Kent, and Goosie and Priz called him Kenny Boi. He hated that. Kent enjoyed staying holed up in his bedroom, plotting world domination.

"And SAO 13- I mean, Seven?"

"Present."

SAO 138721, otherwise known as Seven, was, in fact, seven years old and a human eye roll. If you asked any of her siblings about her personality, they would say that she came out of the womb with the temperament of an angsty, sarcastic teenager.

"Oh, good, the last twins."

Two boys giggled. "We're here."

The third set of twins was born three years after Seven: Derf and Bob, or Tweedledum and Tweedledumber, who were essentially a copy-paste version of Vinny and Greg. They traipsed around the house, huddled together and snorting with piglike laughter. Their voices were considerably deep for two four-year-olds.

"And... the triplets?"

"I'm here."

"I'm here."

"And I'm here, too!"

Triplets Sparkle, Shimmer, and Shine were age two and the vice president, secretary, and treasurer of The Glitter Cult™, respectively. Their names had been suggested by Draco, of course, and backed by Lucius, who was still holding out for at least  _ one _ of his children to grow up a star. Draco had taken the three girls under his wing and was grooming them for a life of sequins and accessorizing.

"And, Narcissa, you're holding Davie."

Narcissa nodded. Dave babbled and fisted his pudgy little hands.

Dave, or Davie, was the latest pride and joy of the family. At just three months old, he had managed to bite every family member except Narcissa during teething. Reg was convinced there was a conspiracy going on.

Lucius ticked the last box of his mental checklist. "And that's everybody. If I missed you, please speak up now."

Nobody spoke.

"Excellent." Lucius crossed his legs and leaned back in his seat. "Narcissa, I believe you wished to begin the discussion?"

Narcissa pursed her lips again. "Yes, well, your Hogwarts letters arrived yesterevening. We will have to take a trip to Diagon Alley, those of you attending this year. So that would be..." she counted on her fingers. "Madge and Minnie, Draco, Trixie, and Thuban. The rest of you shall stay with the nursemaid. Lucius, you have a meeting in the morning, but you will be returning after lunch, yes?"

Lucius looked mildly uncomfortable. "Actually, I will be at the Ministry all day tomorrow."

"Very well. Beatrice can handle herself." Beatrice was the Malfoy family nursemaid. She had joined only a month ago, but she was already doing better than the other seventy-three nurses the Malfoys had cycled through over the years. Most ran in terror at the sheer size of the family.

Madge raised a manicured hand in the air. "So, like, are we, like, getting new books this year, or, like, what?"

Narcissa nodded curtly. "Of course, darling. Any other questions?"

Again, no one spoke.

"Right, then," Lucius muttered, adjusting in his seat. "This year, for those of you attending school, you should know that an event will be taking place. I have certain...  _ sources _ . The Triwizard Tournament will be hosted at Hogwarts. Participating schools include Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. My source has told me that only seventh years will be permitted to compete. Thuban, have you any interest?"

Thuban cocked his head to the side and, after a moment, shrugged his burly arms. "I've no idea what it is, Father."

Beo looked scandalized, his silver-rimmed monocle gleaming. "They're reinstating that... that...  _ barbaric _ event?! Last time, somebody  _ died _ !"

Lucius curled up his lips in a sneer. "It was only a Hufflepuff. And besides-" he paused, theatrically throwing his hands up "-the Tournament brings honor and glory to its champion. Should you prevail... why, we would be more well-regarded than even now! Thuban, you  _ will _ be entering."

It wasn't a question. Thuban nodded solemnly and squared his shoulders.

Regor raised his hand. "Father, are you going to explain what happened at the World Cup? If you didn't cast the Mark, who did? I have some theories about it, but-"

Lucius gave him some side-eye, and Reg promptly shut up.

Draco stood up abruptly. "The Glitter Cult™ is looking for new members and/or donations! We will accept payment in the form of chocolate frogs or any sequins you find on the floor." He looked around the room. Only Madge, Sparkle, Shimmer, and Shine showed any real interest; the rest stared blankly back at him. Flushing slightly, he sat back down.

Narcissa straightened. "Unless anyone has any other matters to speak of, you all may be dismissed."

Lucius hit his gavel on the arm of his chair again and somehow maintained a straight face when it squeaked like a rubber duck. "Meeting adjourned."


	3. Back To Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco takes a trip to Diagon Alley with his fellow Slytherin siblings before boarding the Hogwarts Express.

Narcissa herded Madge, Minnie, Draco, Trixie, and Thuban down the cobblestone streets of Diagon Alley. They finally reached a calmer alleyway, away from the stampeding crowds, and Narcissa dug through her handbag for two small pouches of galleons. They jingled cheerfully, swinging back and forth in her hands.

"Madge and Minnie, you two buy new books and visit the apothecary for anything you and your siblings need. Draco and Trixie, go to Madame Malkins and buy new robes for everyone. I have the twins and Thuban's measurements here. Thuban, come with me to Knockturn Alley. We'll rendevous at the Leaky Cauldron at noon."

"Can we go to Fortescue's?  _ Please _ ?" Trixie whined.

Narcissa glanced at her wristwatch. It was encrusted with little diamonds encircling the clockface. "Why do you need ice cream at eight in the morning?"

Trixie made a sour face.

Thuban furrowed his thick brows. "Mother, what business do we have in Knockturn Alley?"

Narcissa sighed heavily. "If you are chosen in the Tournament, you must be well-prepared. Now," she clapped her hands together and turned back to the younger children. "Leaky Cauldron at what time?"

"Noon," they chorused together before dispersing through the crowds, platinum blond heads bobbing in pairs.

~~~

True to their word, the six family members were seated at a table in the Leaky Cauldron at precisely 12:00 PM. Madge and Minnie each held one handle of a bulging shopping bag. Draco's arms were laden with neatly folded robes. Trixie had pink strawberry ice cream smeared across her face, and Thuban was holding a few thick potion vials and one menacing-looking box that rattled when he tried to open it.

"Everybody ready?"

The children nodded. Narcissa gathered them all around her and apparated them home.

~~~

The entire family had insisted on seeing them off to Hogwarts. They walked briskly through the barrier in pairs, Narcissa, Lucius, and little Davie bringing up the rear. Madge hadn't even gotten one foot onto the train before Seven grumbled, "Can we go home now?" Kent nodded vigorously. Goosie tousled his hair and smirked, "Patience, Kenny Boi." Priz snickered along until Shimmer ran up to him covered in an ugly sort of burnt orange glitter, screaming bloody murder.

In other words, it was chaos.

As the pale-faced family mingled with the other purebloods and the children said goodbye to their siblings, everyone else on the platform gave them strange looks. That wasn't unusual for a family of their impressive size; in fact, Lucius  _ enjoyed _ the attention. Out of the corner of his eye, Draco spotted Harry Potter stepping onto the Hogwarts Express, flanked by Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. He quickly tapped his father on the arm.

"Father, look, look, look, look!"

Lucius turned toward Draco with an annoyed expression. "What is it?"

"There he is! That  _ idiot _ Harry Potter! And look, there's  _ Weasley _ ! Did you know, their family is-"

Lucius rolled his eyes. " _ Poor _ , I  _ know _ , you've said so a billion times! Run along, Draco, there you go." Lucius waved a hand in the general direction of the train before sweeping off down the platform.


	4. Winter Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco is back at the Manor for Christmas and is met with a shocking revelation about himself.

Draco slid into his place at the mile-long dining table in Malfoy Manor and sighed. House-elves swarmed around the family, holding trays of delectables high above their heads. Pleasant chatter echoed off of the high ceilings. Bickering levels were staying under control. Christmas spirit filled the air. He turned to face his father, sitting far away at the head of the table. "Father, you'll never _believe_ who Potter went with to the Yule Ball."

Lucius put his head in his hands. In a monotone voice, he replied, "Oh, no. Who did he go with?"

Draco cleared his throat importantly, holding the attention of the siblings nearest to him. "Harry Potter went with..." he paused a moment for dramatic effect. "That Parvati Patil! Oh, you should've _seen_ how hideous her dress was. Honestly, he could have done much better. Potter himself was hideous, too, of course. His hair was all wonderfully messy, as always. Has he ever _seen_ a comb? And the way his emerald eyes sparkled like gems in the crystal light was just disgusting. And his dress robes were cut perfectly so that everyone could see his Quidditch Muscles™, how revolting. And he-"

" _Will you shut up?_ " Seven shrieked across from him. Draco blinked.

"Draco, you've already _told_ us this," Mia groaned. "At least five times since this morning. At least one hundred since break started."

He turned to the triplets for support. They nodded sagely.

"Son, it's time I brought something to your attention." Lucius leaned forward in his seat. "You, Draco, are very, very gay for Harry Potter."

Draco blinked again. "No, I'm not."

All around him, his siblings murmured their assent.

"Yes, you are."

"Very gay."

"We noticed immediately."

"Honestly, Draco, you're wearing _leather pants_."

"And eyeliner."

" _Glittery_ eyeliner."

"Am I?" he wondered aloud. "I mean, just because I've thought about snogging him, and wondered what it would be like if we skipped down the halls holding hands, and wondered what it would be like to spend the rest of our lives together-"

Goosie threw her hands in the air. "Are you serious?"

"Darling, you're in denial," Narcissa said softly. "But the truth remains. You are the gayest person I have ever met in my entire life. Maybe even gayer than Sirius Black."

Lucius shook his head. "No, nobody is gayer than Sirius Black."

Narcissa considered this a moment, then nodded. "Yes, you're right, Lucius. Still, Draco, you very obviously are in love with Harry Potter."

Draco didn't know what to do with this information. The first course appeared on their plates: thick slices of burnt cinnamon toast. _Harry's favorite,_ Draco remembered. They ate the food, all conversation much more subdued than before.

After about three minutes, Draco said, "His eyes really do sparkle like-"

Gliese slammed his teacup onto the table. " _Oh my gods._ "


	5. Spring Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco returns home again in the spring, and his siblings have some urgent speculations to discuss.

Draco disembarked from the Hogwarts Express, head swimming with thoughts. He was worrying himself to death over the third task. Not for Thuban's sake - he hadn't been chosen as champion from the Goblet - but for Harry's. "If he dies," Draco mumbled to himself. "Then I will never love again."

Now that Draco had realized the truth about his sexuality, he had decided to lean into it. He was wearing leather pants and dragonhide boots, both in black. His crop top was black, too, except for sparkly rainbow lettering across the front that read "Cut To The Core." (It was his favorite album by The Dragon.)

Draco, Thuban, Trixie, Madge, and Minnie were met by Beatrice, the nursemaid, who apparated them back to Malfoy Manor. They followed Dobby upstairs as he levitated their trunks.

Their siblings were waiting in the hallway to say hello. Beo, Dee-Dee, and Mia hadn't come to visit for the spring holidays, and Kent was still holed up in his bedroom, but everyone else was there. Even Derf and Bob made an appearance.

"We've got something to tell you," Gliese said, rubbing his teeny spectacles with a polishing cloth.

"Not here," Reg hissed. When it came to secrets, conspiracy theories, and the like, he was more uptight than a military officer.

Madge inspected her manicure. "Guys, like, what's, like, the problem? Because, like, I sort of, like, promised Colin I'd, like, write to him." Colin Creevey was Madge's on-again, off-again boyfriend. Draco thought they were off-again right now, but apparently not.

"Not  _ here _ ," Reg hissed again before grabbing Seven and Gliese by their wrists and dragging them into his room. They shrieked in protest.

The others had no choice but to follow.

~~~

Two minutes later, Reg, Priz, Goosie, Gliese, Thuban, Trixie, Draco, Madge, Minnie, Seven, Derf, Bob, Sparkle, Shimmer, and Shine were gathered in Reg's room. On the far wall hung a giant rectangular corkboard covered in pictures and scraps of parchment that were linked together with red string and pushpins. After a few more minutes, Kent wandered inside and sat down, too. "What have I missed?"

"We were just going to explain the situation," Goosie whispered.

Kent peered out the door, then back at the group. "Father's at the Ministry and won't be back until late, I know that much. But is Mother-"

"She's tending to Davie," Priz said.

"Perfect. So-" Reg leaned in, increasing the suspense. "Those of you who've been at Hogwarts, what do you know?"

Thuban narrowed his eyes. "About what?"

"'About what?'" Goosie mocked before elbowing Priz in the ribs and snickering. "You kidding me?"

Bob traced circles on Reg's bedspread. "Actually, I don't know what's going on either."

Derf raised his hand. "Same." He never said more than three syllables at a time.

Reg sighed exasperatedly. "Father's been growing tenser and tenser. He keeps attending secret 'Ministry' meetings-" he put the word "Ministry" in air quotes, "-but I don't think that's what's really going on. And I caught a word of him and Mother's conversation two days ago."

His audience waited for him to elaborate.

"Go on...?" Seven prompted, eyebrow twitching.

"Oh, right." Reg straightened up. "Father mentioned a return of some kind, in a cemetery."

Madge shrugged her shoulders. "Like, I don't know, guys, because, like, couldn't he just be, like, returning some clothes, like, or something? Like?"

"Dear sister, do tell, what sort of store sets up shop in a graveyard?" Kent deadpanned. "That's horrible for business, and depressing."

Trixie frowned. "Isn't retail a depressing business, though?"

Reg ran two fingers along his jaw in a pondering gesture. "You know, she's got a point-"

"You guys are idiots," Seven said dryly, shaking her head. She and Kent high-fived - which was slightly awkward and took a lot of shifting and maneuvering, considering that they were on opposite sides of the rug.

"I don't really see what we have to worry about," Minnie shrugged. "We can always just kick ass later if we need to."

Goosie pretended to look shocked. "Where did you learn such foul language as this, sister?"

Minnie narrowed her eyes. "From you, you fucking-"

"Okay, okay!" Draco screamed, trying to cover all six of the triplets' ears at the same time. "Thank you for the unhelpful demonstration of how  _ not _ to talk with toddlers in the room!"

"My point is," Minnie said. "We can't stress over something that doesn't concern us. Whenever we try and get in Mother and Father's business, everything falls to shit."

"Toddlers! In! The! Room!"

"Minnie's right," Priz decided. "As much as I want to meddle-"

"He loves meddling," Goosie interjected.

"-this will only stress us out more in the long run."

After some brief whining on Trixie's part and enduring one of Reg's long rants about Star Trek's plot, their meeting adjourned, and the siblings dispersed to their separate corners of the house.


	6. Summer Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fourth year is over, Voldemort is back, and Draco's at Malfoy Manor with his siblings once more.

"I didn't even meddle," Priz said sadly.

"And everything still went to shit," Minnie added.

Draco had come back from his fourth year to Voldemort on his front porch, black robes billowing behind him, white, egg-shaped face bald and sickly. Beatrice had rushed him and his four other siblings who'd attended Hogwarts that year inside before they could have any interaction with the Dark Lord. And now, Reg had gathered them all in his room again, just as he had over spring break.

Draco was deeply affected by Cedric's death. His heart belonged wholly to Harry, of course, but he couldn't deny Cedric's hotness level. He was pretty good-looking for a Hufflepuff. It must be those Quidditch Muscles™.

Davie's wailing downstairs could be heard even through Reg's locked door in the upper east wing. "Will someone shut that baby up?" Kent muttered.

"Can't blame him," Goosie said. "I'd freak out, too, if a noseless demon bloke entered my innocent, baby world."

The siblings couldn't bring themselves to laugh. The only sound in the room was Derf and Bob making farting noises with their armpits.

"Well, at least we know now what the cemetery return meant," Gliese said between sips of Earl Grey.

"Mm, yes, thank you, Gliese, so helpful," Seven growled through gritted teeth.

Silence fell again for a few more seconds before Madge stood up from the rug, smoothing out her miniskirt. "This, like, has been fun, but, like, I'm gonna go, like, break up with Colin again." She strutted out of the room.

"Speaking of romance," Trixie wiggled her eyebrows. "Have you talked to Harry at all, Draco?"

His siblings groaned and muttered things along the lines of, "Why would you bring that up?" and "Now he's gonna talk about it _forever_."

"Eh, not really," Draco said, tilting his head. "I think the whole 'Cedric's dead' thing really put a damper on my ecstatic, unrestrained love."

He paused. "By the way, if you didn't know... Cedric's dead."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm terribly sorry for this insanity i have given you
> 
> leave a kudos or comment if you enjoyed! and say hi on tumblr @potter-the-poltergeist or on instagram @potterthepoltergeist <3


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